im not really alone, but i am so beyond lonely.

i was texting a friend last night, and he made plans with me to hangout today when i got home from NH. he never responded to my last text last night, and didnt get back to me today. turns out he was in that car that hit the tree in NK last night. i was texting him literally minutes before the accident. so freaky, so sad, so weird. hopefully hes okay, and RIP to his friend who i didnt know. this is really sad.

i hate this fucking feeling. ive always told myself and heard from others that things get better, and i understand that they will eventually. but when? cause for now, this feeling absolutely sucks. i dont know why ive been so unhappy this year.  i dont even know how to describe it. no matter the good days, good laughs, or good times i have, i always get home at the end of the day and sit in my bed alone and just feel this empty, hollow, hopeless feelings in my chest and my stomach and my throat. i physically feel like something is wrong every. fucking. night. i figured during the winter that this extreme unhappiness would go away once the weather was nicer and summer was closer. but now that its warm again and things should be looking up, they just feel like theyre getting worse and i just want to fucking punch a pillow and scream and make this go away even though i dont know what’s wrong. mdnsfgkgwrdgksdjgfhksdgsdhjhsgshgdsjgshjsdghjgdshjgsdhgsh

im spending the weekend in the mountains in new hampshire and  i am so excited. im going to get so much fucking reading done and i cant wait to hike on saturday and chill by the waterfalls in jackson and professionally hang out. itll be weird being there for the first time ever without my grandmother, but shes just another great memory of this place. im so fucking stoked. oh and the L.L Bean outlet.

cant wait to be alone in the mountains aaaaaaahhhhh yessssssssssssssssss